We will be forever
by xxsnoopyxx
Summary: A short romance with another guy makes Kathryn realise who she really wants and she acts upon this. But what is really going on, is she able to truely let her walls down? What will it take for her to let him in?
1. Chapter 1

**I had this idea way back in year 7, so a few tweaks and revision of the plot and here it is. **

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_It was the fourth and final week of their shore leave. Two weeks ago Voyager had come across an alien ship with some warp core issues, they were sitting ducks and after a good days worth of work, B'Elanna and her engineering team decided that there was just nothing they could do; the ship was too different from Voyager. After much discussion with the senior officers a decision to transport the aliens to their home planet just a few light-years away, was made. As a thank you for this, they were offered a months shore leave which the captain gladly accepted. _

I couldn't believe the beauty of this planet. It was green, there were mountains and trees, and the temperature was always constant, very warm but not too warm. It was always bright and the air always smelt fresh wherever you went. The people here were so wonderful, they treated us with respect and they were a gentle race. I was glad that I had accepted their offer for shore leave, the crew needed it, I needed it and the past four weeks had been wonderful.

I knew what I had been doing these past four weeks was wrong, as the captain of a star ship, it was probably the worst thing I could do. But I couldn't help myself; he was such a kind and gentle man. He was romantic, funny, honest, and brave. He had a caring heart and he made me feel weak at the knees. Every second spent in his presence was bliss and every second not spent in his presence, was painful. I had fallen in love, I knew this broke protocol but it was just four weeks, and then we would leave, it would be hard but I would get over it and everything would return to normal.

His name was Kazan. We met when Voyager came by his ship that had been floating in space, the minute I saw him it was instant. I had ignored it for a few days, knowing a captain could never have a relationship with a crew member, let alone someone from another planet but he had made me realize that I couldn't be alone forever. We went on many dates in the holodeck, spent all our free time together and then finally when we arrived at his home planet, he had invited me to spend the four weeks with him. He would be my 'tour guide,' show me the wonders of his planet, how could I say no?

I was in love with him and there had been many days filled with dates, laughter, sight seeing, and many nights of passion and love. I wished that I could stay with him forever but now we needed to continue on our journey back home. Tomorrow Voyager would leave and I would never see Kazan again. I watched him as he slept, he looked so happy but all I could think of was that tomorrow I would be leaving him.

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'Kathryn?' I heard a voice coming from the hallway, I turned to see Kazan, he looked worried. 'What's the matter?' He asked me softly.

'I have to leave today Kazan, I'll never see you again.' I didn't try to hide the sadness in my voice. He just took me in his arms and kissed me on the forehead.

'I know but the last four weeks has been wonderful. I couldn't have asked for a better person. You are amazing Kathryn. I wish it could be different but I am thankful for the time we have been able to have together.'

'Thank you for such an amazing four weeks Kazan.' I just smiled, wishing I would never have to let go. We kissed, knowing this would be the very last time. Then we left, for the transport site, returning to a professional relationship.

=/\=

At the transport site there were a few other crewmembers, Chakotay been one of them. I knew he expected me to tell him all about the wonders of this planet that Kazan had shown me. I also wondered what he had done the past four weeks.

'Thank you for letting us enjoy your wonderful planet, I am sure my crew had a great time. You have a beautiful world. It has been a pleasure to meet you and to be able to stay here. Goodbye minister.' It was not the best 'thank you' speech I had delivered but it would suffice, I was distracted and returning to my roll of captain had not yet been completed.

'Thank you Captain for coming, it is an honor to have met you and your crew. Thank you for bringing back our brothers. I wish you well on your journey home.' The minister replied.

'Thank you.' I took one last glance at Kazan, our eyes locked and we said one last goodbye in silence then the transporter beam whisked us away, I now stood on the transporter pad on Voyager, no longer just Kathryn, but captain of Voyager.

'How was your shore leave captain?' Chakotay asked me, he was smiling, as he usually did.

'It was relaxing and wonderful. Their planet is just beautiful.' I said, smiling. But inside I felt broken and I realized over the past four weeks neither Kazan nor I had said 'I love you' and I knew that it was because I didn't love him, because there was someone else who had always made me feel the same way. But I could never be with him and this made my heart break even more.

'Well I'm glad it was relaxing captain. Shall we?' Chakotay offered his arm to me and I just smiled, inside I had felt broken but within that second all that pain was taken away because he was the one I truly wanted. I took his arm and we made our way to the bridge. I was no longer just Kathryn, my weeks with Kazan had been wonderful and I didn't regret them, only wished that they had been spent with the true object of my desire.

As we exited the turbo lift I could feel the hype and good mood of the crew. They had all enjoyed their relaxation I could tell but I knew they were eager to get going again and so was I.

'Mr. Paris, set a course for the Alpha quadrant, warp six.' I commanded.

'Yes, Ma'am.' He replied and then did as he was told.

I smiled, I knew I had definitely changed from this experience with Kazan, and I knew that one day I would be able to let those walls down and let Chakotay in. I knew already that it would be okay when I did.

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**Please tell me what you think. **


	2. Chapter 2

Over the past few days I realized that even though I truly thought at the time that I had fallen in love with Kazan, that it wasn't real. I had known for a long time that I wanted Chakotay but didn't think it could happen. Subconsciously I had chosen Kazan because I knew I needed connection, but now I know that if I could break one protocol about getting involved with someone of another species then I could break the one about getting involved with a member of her crew, but my captains side of me was saying that it was all wrong. I should never have let myself get into any relationship; I should never have let my feelings for Chakotay surface. I didn't know which side to listen too.

I had heard rumors about my sudden 'good mood'. Most of the crew thought I was in a relationship with someone, and they were sort of right. I had sort of had a relationship back on the planet with Kazan but that wasn't the reason. The reason I was in such a good mood all the time was because of Chakotay. Being around him made me feel so utterly good.

He made me laugh and smile all the time. He was so kind and gentle and had this great sense of humor. We would have meals together and we could talk for hours about anything. I was never bored or tired of being around him, not to mention how hansom he was. He had this warm smile and charming gaze. He just made me feel all gooey inside and I couldn't help but let myself feel this way.

Today, Voyager had come across a special vortex, which after running some scans and sending through a probe, the other senior officers believed it would cut ten light-years off our journey. The only problem was that we needed dilithium and we had discovered a planet not too far away, showing signs of it. We needed the dilithium at the same time as completing more scans and gathering more information about the vortex but the ship couldn't be in two places at once.

I had decided that an away team would take a shuttle to the planet to investigate the dilithium while Voyager stayed to investigate the Vortex. B'Elanna had requested that I joined the away team and so now Chakotay, B'Elanna, Ensign Ashmore and I were heading to the M class planet. I had no idea why she requested I come but I sensed that she knew if I didn't I would send Tom to be her pilot and she didn't seem to want that.

I had started light conversation; the four of us were talking about Neelix's cooking. What we liked, disliked and talked about Neelix's latest apparent ship wide gathering that he wanted to organize. I knew that Ensign Ashmore felt awkward, she wasn't used to going on away missions with the captain and commander.

'I heard Neelix was preparing another talent night?' I asked. Not directing my question at anyone.

'I heard that too.' B'Elanna chimed in.

'Apparently the last talent night we had was such a success that Neelix wants to organize another one with a feast and a twist.' Ensign Ashmore stated. She sounded much more relaxed talking about a relatively casual topic.

'Really? Any ideas on that twist?' I had dropped all formalities. It made the atmosphere much more casual and light.

'I've heard that everyone has to participate.' The ensign answered.

'I've heard there will be some kind of theme.' Chakotay spoke for the first time since stating he didn't like Neelix's scrambled eggs. Suddenly the shuttle started to shake and then we spun out of control.

'Warning life support failure in one minute. Warning warp drive offline.' The monotonous voice of the computer warned.

'Computer bring the warp drive back online!' I shouted, still trying to control the shuttle as it hurtled towards the planet, still out of control.

'Unable to comply. ' Was the response.

'Captain I don't understand what happened, the warp drive seems jammed or something.' B'Elanna sounded frustrated, she was yelling.

'Warning, life support failure in thirty seconds.'

'I can't get this shuttle back on course. Brace for impact! We have to land.' I couldn't figure out what was going on or why we were about to loose life support but I knew we needed to land.

By this time we were all fearful for our lives. Every time a shuttle crashes people get injured and or die. All I could do was try and stop the shuttle entering the planets atmosphere in a nosedive. Luckily I was successful. We all held on to consoles or anything we could get a good grip on. The shuttle was now shaking furiously as we sped towards the planets surface. No one made a sound; the computer now seemed to be completely offline.

CRASH!

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**Probably not the best shuttle crash but I hope it was still alright. Thanks for reading, reviews make me write faster. =) **


	3. Chapter 3

'What… Where…Where am I? What… happened?' Pain was searing through my body. My head was pounding and everything was fuzzy and dark. My ears rung, skin felt scorched. I couldn't focus I heard someone scream. Finally I got a hold of my self enough to process my current situation somewhat coherently.

I opened my eyes and saw fire, blood and bits of metal everywhere but it was still a little fuzzy. With a little more time things became clearer and I could see two people lying on the ground one not moving the other looked like she was convulsing.

'Who… What?' Another scream and then I realized it was coming from me. I tried to move and as I did I screamed again as I felt the surges of excruciating pain in every part of my body. I was trapped under something, my legs and chest crushed.

I looked over to the two people who I saw just before. I remembered who they were and what had happened this time. We were in a shuttle and then we crashed. I tried to identify them, they were both female and then I made the connections. B'Elanna was lying on the ground but she was conscious, she had moved, Ensign Ashmore still hadn't moved, she was likely to be dead.

'Chakotay!' Where is Chakotay? This time I also realized I had been yelling out all of my thoughts.

'Kathryn!' I heard him shout back. He was close then I saw him, he was heading towards us with a medical kit and emergency rations and blankets. He came over to me and tried to move whatever was on top of me. I don't know how he managed but after a few minutes it was off and I felt the relief as the pressure on my chest was released.

'Ashmore.' I wanted him to see if she was still alive.

'She's gone. I've preserved her body but she's gone.' He sounded so worried and beaten. I could see the fear in his eyes.

'B'Elanna?'

'She's okay, uncounscious but alive, her injuries don't appear to be as extensive as yours.' He pulled out a medical tricorder and began scanning me. I could tell by his sudden change in facial expression that is was not good. I winced in pain as I suddenly became aware of each and every part of my body.

'You've lost a lot of blood from all these deep gashes, broken a few ribs and crushed a few parts of your bones in your legs. No spinal injury so I can move you. Are you ready?'

'Yes.' This was going to be a painful experience, I tried to prepare myself but I couldn't help but let out a cry of pain as he picked me up and rushed me over to the shelter he had created, as quickly and gently as possible. He placed me down and I tried to sit up but the pain stopped me from doing that. I felt my chest was tight and burning with pain. My legs and arms stung where there were deep gashes. Every part of my body ached.

'I'll have to clean these wounds before I can attempt to regenerate them.' I couldn't believe this was happening. We had crashed, I was seriously injured, Ashmore was dead and by the look of the debris we probably didn't have a communications system left to use.

It took some time but Chakotay had cleaned my wounds and regenerated them as best he could with the dermal regenerator we had. He had done what he could for my broken bones, which wasn't much. He had found a stream just north of our current position, which was great because if we didn't have water we surely wouldn't survive.

B'Elanna had been drifting in and out of consciousness and there wasn't much we could do for her. The only person who seemed unscathed was Chakotay. Other than a few cuts and bruises he seemed fine.

When nighttime fell it grew very cold. Chakotay had lit a fire and given B'Elanna and I all the emergency blankets we had but it wasn't enough. I wondered if Voyager knew we had crashed. Chakotay had checked to see if the communications system was salvageable, but no luck. I had tried setting up an emergency beacon with my communicator but Chakotay told me to do it tomorrow, we were all tired and in large amounts of pain.

'Sleep Kathryn.' He said to me. I didn't want to because I wanted to feel useful. 'You need your strength.'

'Try setting up the beacon.' I commanded and wondered if and when Voyager would find us before letting sleep consume me. The pain begun to fade slightly and I entered into a dream where this had never happened.

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**I know this was another short chapter but really it was just setting the scene for what will happen next.  
Reviews please? **


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry for the wait, I've had a lot of assessments at school while being sick so I've been pretty run down. I know this is short and probably not as good as it could be, but I see it as being better than nothing while I get back on track. =)  
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I could feel the sun beaming down on my face as I slowly roused awake; I was content for just a moment before the pain set in again and I remembered the situation I was in. I opened my eyes. The fire Chakotay had lit was now just a small pile of ashes, B'Elanna was lying a few feet away unconscious again and Chakotay, where was Chakotay? I started to panic but realized that he was probably down at the stream getting some water or finding some food. That's when I heard his footsteps as he came around the corner of tall trees that had been shielding him.

'You're awake.' He stated.

'Did you set up the beacon?' He better have set up that beacon or we would never be found.

'Yes. Breakfast?' Chakotay made his way over to where I had spent the night, I was still in too much pain to move myself, and I felt completely useless, like I was a burden on him. He shouldn't have to take care of me like this.

'No I'm fine thanks.' I didn't want whatever he had found; I would find my own food later when the pain had somewhat subsided.

'You've got to eat something, you need your strength.' Chakotay pleaded. I sighed; I couldn't be bothered arguing with him right now. I loved him, he may not know it but I did and I wanted to make him happy. I was acting completely irrational. One minute I'm feeling like I'm a burden to him not wanting his pity and food, now I didn't want to argue with him because I loved him. What was wrong with me?

The day went low. There was nothing to do, I couldn't move, B'Elanna was still in and out of conscious, mostly out. The sun was hot on my skin but the tall trees were providing shade over parts of my body. Chakotay made himself busy collecting wood for tonight's fire, building more shelter space, and finding more food, checking on B'Elanna, anything to keep him busy.

I spent the day watching whatever he was doing, trying to move to get up and help every now and then but I couldn't. The pain would increase each time I moved an inch. It became unbearable I hated this. I was so frustrated; I would take it out on him; the one person I love. God why do I keep telling myself that I love him? I wanted him, I loved him and I know I have always buried my true feelings deep down so they could never see the light of day but now they have and I knew could never have him.

One minute I was angry, the next I was telling myself I loved Chakotay, then I would be confused as to why. I was tired, each thought sent a throbbing trough my entire head, my eyes felt heavy and sore, my chest was so tight I felt like I couldn't breathe, each breath was more trouble than it seemed like it was worth. I could feel the burn, sting and deep pains of my open wounds and my entire body just ached. I couldn't do this. No I can, I'm the captain of a starship, I'm strong I can. I started to cry out of frustration, I was so tired of all these mixed feelings and all this pain. I just wanted to go back to Voyager where everything was normal. Chakotay heard could hear me now as he came back with a pile of wood. He didn't say anything just sat down next to me and held me as he caressed my face and my hair. Although I hated myself for letting my walls down, he made me feel safe. He calmed me down and I started giving in to sleep. Then I heard him speak. 'I love you Kathryn.' But I was asleep before I could speak.


	5. Chapter 5

**Short I know but I've been sick and battling writers block. So sorry!  
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Another day went by and all I could think about were those three little words. Three simple little words that I had always wanted to hear leave his tender lips, three simple little words I had always wanted to say to him but I could never find the courage. Every time I tried to open my mouth and say them I couldn't speak, I would freeze, my heart would race and butterflies would begin to dance around inside me, I couldn't bring myself to say those three simple little words to him that sent me into complete chaos upon hearing them.

It had been days since we crashed and B'Elanna wasn't getting any better, rather she was getting worse, but I couldn't do anything to help her and this made me feel so helpless. I couldn't talk to Chakotay, I couldn't help B'Elanna, and Voyager still hadn't found us! I was starting to lose my mind or die or something because I could no longer feel the physical pain I had been in. This really scared me. I began to panic, nothing was going right. Suddenly I couldn't breathe, my airways felt closed, my head was spinning, I was gasping for air, I shot up, trying to defuse my sudden inability to take in oxygen. I couldn't think, I couldn't feel, I didn't even hear him trying to calm me down till the air started to flow into my lungs again and my breathing slowed.

'It's okay Kathryn, it's going to be okay.' He cradled me now and for a second the world around me faded away, then I returned to reality and tears started to run down my face. Everything began to hurt again. Now he held me tight, whispering soothing words to me as he stroked my hair. We spent hours like this and eventually we ended up lying on the ground, with me wrapped up in his arms.

I didn't know what had happened before it had happened but in a flash his lips were against mine, saying all the things that had never been said. I didn't want it to end, it felt right, everything seemed clear; nothing else mattered in this moment. But it did, Chakotay pulled back, I kept my eyes closed wanting to save the feeling, not wanting to return to the reality of what was happening to us, not wanting to face up to the possibility of him regretting the most magical kiss I had ever experienced in my life.

'Kathryn.' My name sounded beautiful the way he said it. I opened my eyes to look into his. 'I love you.' This time he had said it to me, awake me, while staring right at me. If I were standing I would have fallen to the ground upon hearing those three words as they melted my heart.

'I… I love you.' I managed to finally say those three little words I had always wanted him to hear. He smiled before pressing soft kisses against my hot lips and entering into another long desire filled kiss. But my perfect moment fell apart upon hearing a subtle banging noise; we broke apart as quickly as we had closed the gap.

Things were going terribly wrong, I began to panic, and I stumbled the short distance to B'Elanna's side, trying to stop her head from smashing against the ground as her entire body shook violently. If only Voyager would find us.


	6. Chapter 6

**Sorry it's taking so long to update. Blame the viral Arthritis I've picked up! I know it's short, I also know this chapter may be a bit... wow. I needed a twist, it just wasn't going anywhere so I took a wild turn in the plot. **

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Slowly I began to wake. I could hear the calming sounds of running water from the river and smell the freshness in the air. Suddenly it was gone as now I was fully awake. I took in the grey bulkheads that were my surroundings – what was going on? I slowly sat up, realizing I was on Voyager but not knowing when that had happened.

'Hey, you're awake.' I jumped at the sound of someone's voice, how on earth did they get into my quarters? But the soothing, gentle tone of his voice made me relax as I realized whom it was.

'How long was I asleep?' Surely it hadn't been that long since we were rescued from the planet.

'Three days.' He said calmly. I was shocked. How could I have been asleep for three days? The last memories I had come floating back as I tried to understand how I could possibly have been asleep for so long.

'_I… I love you.' I managed to finally say those three little words I had always wanted him to hear. He smiled before pressing soft kisses against my hot lips and entering into another long desire filled kiss. But my perfect moment fell apart upon hearing a subtle banging noise; we broke apart as quickly as we had closed the gap._

Things were going terribly wrong, I began to panic, and I stumbled the short distance to B'Elanna's side, trying to stop her head from smashing against the ground as her entire body shook violently.

As the flash back ended my eyes widened, B'Elanna had been unconscious for most of the time since we crashed.

'How's B'Elanna?' I noticed that he looked confused.

'What about B'Elanna?'

'She was badly injured in the crash, she kept drifting in and out of consciousness?' There was a long silence before he spoke again.

'Are you okay? There was never a crash and B'Elanna is fine.' Concern filled his voice and became evident on his face, I didn't understand why he was so concerned or why he was telling me there wasn't a crash when there had been.

I was confused. We went to a planet for shore leave, I had a fling with Kazan, we went on an away mission and crashed, then something changed between Chakotay and I and before I knew it, I was back on Voyager without having the slightest memory of returning and now I had supposedly been asleep for three days. I was injured from the crash, but there was no residual pain from the, only a throbbing headache. Now it all suddenly made sense. I must have been dreaming. None of it was real; the shore leave, my relationship with Kazan, the crash, my time with Chakotay on the planet, none of it.

'Kathryn?'

'I…I'm fine.' Chakotay just smiled at me a little concern had lifted from his face. 'I had a dream, that's all.'

'Do you want to talk about it?'

'It just felt so… real.' I was barely there now, my thoughts had wondered back to the planet where we had crashed, to Chakotay and the short time we had spent together. I wanted it so badly, I wanted to be with him, and I thought I had finally gotten past my fears but I hadn't, I was devastated. 'I want to sleep.' I was losing control of my emotions, Chakotay needed to leave but I couldn't find the words to tell him too.

'The doctor instructed that you get up and move around once you're awake.'

'Chakotay!' It was practically a scream, tears started to run down my face. I couldn't take this but I couldn't comprehend why I was losing myself like this. 'I want to sleep!'

'Okay.' I threw myself down on the pillows and instantly fell asleep.

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**Please please review! Let me know what you think of this drastic change in events. Reviews make me happy. **


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